Ohm Namah Shivaya
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference
Oh Lord,
Bless me with this sobriety and comfort & ease with myself every single day as on this 9th wedding anniversary. Let not my wife ever again face the hope and despair of my addiction. Help me to keep her belief intact that she made the right choice in marrying me. Let not her supreme sacrifice of not giving up on me (as many do) even through the darkest times of our relationship go in vain. Even when the whole world (parents, relatives,wellwishers,doctors) was against her putting up with me and my insanity of addiction, she fought hard with herself and endured even the co-addiction of her inlaws, all the time hoping against hope that one day it will all be alright by YOUR GRACE. It was this very SILENT belief of hers that has brought about this miracle of me seeing the miracle of a day that U unfold, in a clean & sober manner.
Let me never forget that I am an addict and it is but natural for the cunning, baffling & powerful disease aspect of my mind to manipulate me & get consent into using just once, and once the demon of pleasure is released, it convinces me in its ability to do controlled using, which is the beginning of the end.
U CAN CHECK OUT ANY TIME U LIKE – U CAN NEVER LEAVE
The only remedy is STAY AWAY FROM THE FIRST DOSE and Lord when staying away Just 4 Today becomes impossible to conceive, give me the Strength and Wisdom to stay away just for now, change my mind, move away, read this reality and share with Shanti. I know at such times the Satan within me is too overpowering & without your help nothing in the universe can save me. I know at such times my mind is with the dark side and it becomes difficult to come to your side, but at least get me in contact with those who are in touch with U, best of all, your gift to me SHANTI.
It is not only in pain but more so when all is well that the mind plays monkey and talks confidently of using and getting more juice out of life. It becomes disgusting in after thought when I see how blind I am to all the pain that I underwent and sorrow I spread & how all the wisdom just vanishes. I hit blind spots many times even after the following bit of realization written on 5th Dec 2006
“ I have this nervous tension, restlessness & anxiety which makes me so uncomfortable that my mind seeks immediate relief (I later got it thru Licab, Mazetol & olimelt). It knows that using is not a one time release but once resorted to, I cannot escape the vicious cycle of using to live. The mind tries viciously to justify that in small amounts it can be handled, carisoma, but the past has repeatedly demonstrated to me that what starts with few tablets ends up with strips as the phenomenon of tolerance to the drug develops & the dependence restores the full insanity.”
(This happens with any mood altering mind changing substance – but somehow doesn’t happen with the psychiatric medicines I use since
1) I use them as medicines & have no history in my mind of abusing them, so no triggers
2) They only bring about normalcy rather than euphoria, elation or mania which brings in craving for more of that feeling typical of an addictive personality
3) Abusing them only produces an unbearable buzz which in itself acts as a deterrent)
Worst part of the insanity is I can’t objectively view my madness since it is entirely a subjective experience & to a mad person he is perfectly sane except every one else. Add to this the fact that the person is highly intelligent with capacity to ground his knowledge in the existing reality as I can. Coupled with this is the constant experience of synchronicity which justifies to him that his thoughts are in tandem with the reality around making him the Lord and that is the end of sanity. He irrevocably gets trapped in the illusion he weaves around which is not part of the collective illusion and hence qualifies to be called MAD. As what happens with me when I assume the role of the 10th avatar. This has repeatedly landed me in mental asylums & de-addiction centers. And if I use again the outcome will be no different, in fact committing the same action of using and expecting different results is in itself the greatest proof of my madness. All the people around me can’t be mad (especially my loved ones & doctors) when they perceive me as a manic needing treatment. There is obviously something deviant about me once I use drugs & I can recollect it myself. If I USE even ONCE my destination would be ARPAN AND THAT TOO FOR AN INDEFINITE PERIOD & even shanti will have no face to ask discharge, I cant make Shanti face the further repeated humiliation of coming there nor keep her away from me and suffer in silent heartbroken agony with no say over my release as she cant trust me from her previous experience nor can she ask on her own since she defied them this time for me. I will be trapped and worse still Shanti will be orphaned. Knowing her the other option left for her would be to disown me which for her is like killing herself, but she would be compelled to take it coz it is better than killing herself repeatedly.
Here is an example from 08032006 in type & when I speak, I am more incoherent & grossly illogical:
“$$$ proper potters toolset mud process safety/secured translation of mental model to the physical= w wo wor worl WORLD ?creation (if done in real time the clay moulds itself perfectly (reflecting)reflectioning the state of the makers universe etc. True the creation may not reflect the same image that the maker set out to do BUT it is astetic & unique(mandals,circle painting,hobbies/life of a lifestyls eg. Gardening fish keeping poultry or any project concerned with (life)animals coz then they reflect our state of(being)mind & thus KARMA seeks redemption(best eat the dead fish : tastes sweet and smells of fish oils Thus completing the full cycle.but this method is valid 4 tropical fishes not huge sharks or whale hA Ha psst…. here is atip to cicumvent this dilaema, sinple have a village feast/haute Bash and the people will thank u for ur generocity 4 I-ndulging them. the cycle will still b a circle how? the obligation of your guest(family) is bound to b direct with ur awareness/and their non awareness- not invoved in the karma from the onset but ate the fruits of ur karma(sin of killing) and hence the will jus shit with no new entanglements coz the dont hold anything against u for the karma in their stomach. This is because they already know u & ur habits because of another karmic cycle involving Past which will automatically take precedence/nulify fish karma).Remember the creation is always ……”
The fact that drugs have devastated my normal functioning of body & mind is obvious to me now since without them I feel so depressive that for no plausible or strong reason I feel so trapped & incapable of traveling ahead in time that I contemplate of suicide which gets arrested the moment I take psychiatric medicines, after which I carry on normally under the same set of circumstances. Hence it is obvious that my abusing of chemicals has resulted in clinical depression too that gets worsened by negative thoughts. And to compound matters the madness of being an avatar exists still within my psyche as a form of grandiosity to compensate for my unworthiness. The only way to keep it under check is to stay away from chemicals and with time as I accomplish something substantial as a family man, then & only then, when there is no need for it to exist will it diminish to a measure as good as nonexistent. My addiction, psychiatric ailment, illusion(madness) & low-self esteem are all interminably woven together. The first step taken and to be maintained is to be away from the first dose of any mind altering or mood changing substance. Next is to stop myself from consciously fuelling the madness of being an avatar & just accept synchronicity casually as a normal aspect of life, nothing special (nor attribute any meaning to it coz’ anyway the true Self is beyond even this illusion or reality & to realize myself as it is the true purpose of my mortal existence.)As I was typing the orange print THE END by Doors was playing behind (it hurts to set u free ,but u never followed me, the end of laughter & soft light, the end of nights we tried to die, this is the end) not by choice but by Shuffle mode and believe it or not –felt as if a part of me , truly a being who was all along with me has parted ways with me and there was a bit of sorrow, & the being was cosmic though apparently just like me but felt like a master who was manipulating me all along but now after I typed(expressed) for the first time my choice not to have anything to do with the avatar business was leaving me to lead my own life made possible due to the selfless love of a single soul ‘SHANTI’. I will do anything for love, that u been dreaming of, BUT I wont do THAT.
When this event took place I had a vague feeling that now the human race is left to its own destiny. No more Gods ,no more travelers, no more guardian angels – now maiden Earth is a lost little girl in the vastness of space, with no identity of its own after being de-linked from the timeless cultures of the universe, left to the ravages of the stress mother earth has endured due to man and mankind’s karma itself. (Too much of heaven, can bring u underground – money dependence)
Quick Sands :
- how can I spread happiness when I am myself sad inside
Life saving Triggers :
- Now I don’t have to lie anymore
- At last I am living stress free, without a care as to what state u will b when I am back
- Now I am absolutely sure Gayatri is safe with u
28th Mar 2006
Ramsai u r a cheater. U want to live & leach mula any way.
Laziness & fear of rejection makes u find excuses for not earning.
u r useless, good for noting, a liability to both ur family & the umpteen organisations who got impresed by your attitude when UR drugged. Challenge your self to get a job without toxins and then talk of self esteem .
DONT BE A COWARD & HIHE BEHIND THE SHROUD OF PHILOSOPHY.
Jus’ prove by action DO WHAT IS TO B DONE AT THE RIGHT TIME OR REST IN NOW & DO WHAT THE MOMENT ASKS U
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OUTSIDE THE HOME WE R INDIVIDUALS BUT ONCE BACK AT HOME WE R A SECURE HAPPY FAMILY HAVING MUTUAL RESPECT AND LOVE > Thoughts associated with desponency, disagrements, sugetions or improvements can be thoght about but will take a backseat coz’ the very act of sharing & active listening does the trick. Just as u the narrator also knows the naked truth of being unfair, not just, karma didnt adher with dharma. So auto correction. It is the ego that makes us spreak out coz’ it doesnt know the law of inversion. mirror effect,
Roopak’s words on 5th Dec 2006
“This is the dis-ease aspect of ourselves which is the addictive personality; we are never comfortable with ourselves. Recovery is all about getting comfortable with myself. Write down your thoughts and feelings, not to show someone else, but to relieve yourself of them, it may bring you some comfort.
It is acceptance of this dis-ease aspect of ourselves, the experience of the past that there is no escape from it using drugs that is the realization & turning point for seeking a God’s help to first lead a Sober life & next to correct my addictive personality itself. ”
